Thursday, September 9, 2010

Open Letter To Procrastination

Dear Procrastination,

You have visited me one too many times.  It seems you are always around when I need to go to the gym or finish a draft or read a book or do my laundry or organize my papers get my drift.  It's not that you're not fun to be around. I mean,  I like playing  Sudoku and Text Twist on the computer and watching reruns of Family Guy and skimming through old Oprah magazines searching for ways to live my best life. You help me fill my time with mindless tasks and then I get hungry. But I don't have any food in the refrigerator because you convinced me to hold off on buying groceries until my coupons come in the mail.  Honestly, Procrastination,  I just don't think you are good for me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're all bad.  I am really good at Sudoku and my score at Text Twist is at its highest.  But the truth is I want more out of life and I feel as though you are holding me back.  It's obvious to me now that you are a saboteur.  I know you don't mean to be.  That's just your nature.  It hurts me to say this but it's over between us.  I've been meaning to tell you  this for quite some time but I kept putting it off. So it's goodbye Procrastination, goodbye.  I'm headed for the gym.



Saturday, September 4, 2010

Open Letter to the Man at McDonald's

Dear Man At My Local McDonald's,

Do you have to use the outdoor dining area at McDonald's to smoke and drink and practice your cat calls on teenage girls?  THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT!  HAVE SOME RESPECT.  Are all the street corners in Los Angeles occupied therefore you had to move to the patio at McDonald's to spew your sexual comments?  You break a little bit of a young  girl's spirit every time you say  things  like, "I want to do you real hard so you will have a good orgasm."  Are you serious?  Is there not some strip club  you can go to?  I see plenty of ads for them.  What, too pricey?  Can't afford the minimum drink requirement?  The 99cent Sweet Tea that they sell at McDonald's is more in your price range?  Add a little liquor to it and you have your self  a Long Island Iced Tea... Micky Dee's style. Is that what gives you the courage to do what you do?

Do you feel that badly about your life that you have to ruin one of America's greatest dining rituals. Has it come to this?  Are you not aware that parents flock to those golden arches to feed their children a high fat diet filled with gluten and high fructose corn syrup  that gives their kids just enough energy to play on that primary colored playground and then crash in their strollers on the way home?    It's pretty much an American tradition and the people at McDonald's are smart enough to put that tradition in a box, throw in a toxic plastic toy  and call it a Happy Meal.  Don't ruin it by shouting nasty comments to young girls.  CHILDREN HEARD YOU!  I HEARD YOU!  EVERYBODY HEARD YOU!  You got the attention you wanted now STOP IT.  STAY AWAY FROM THE GOLDEN ARCHES! Don't taint this rites of passage practiced by mom and dads all across America.  Don't do it. Be better than that.   Let the kids have a happy meal. 


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Open Letter To A Spider

Dear Spider Lurking In My Apartment,

For some time now I have known that you existed.  I even realized that you had a couple of friends who may have helped you weave your web in some tiny, discreet corner of my apartment.  The fact is that I allowed you to stay in my home rent free.  I figure you're not taking up much space, you're a non-smoker and quite frankly if you don't bother me, then I won't bother you.  But you had to cross the line. You bit me in the middle of the night while I was asleep. That was punk move! I had to go  to Urgent Care the next morning!  My leg was swollen in 3 different places and now I'm on medication for a week just to get rid of your nasty spider juice inside of me.  Really spider lurking in my apartment? Really?
Now you have forced me to ignore my Buddhist ways and forget that you are a living, breathing being who is a part of the universe. Instead I am going to hunt you down. I will check every corner, every nook, every cranny looking for you.  When I find you, AND I WILL FIND YOU... It's on! Watch your arachnid back.  I have a can of Raid on standby, and if that doesn't work, I've got a 4 inch stiletto heel with your name all over it!